


Stop

by airute (siruru)



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, One-Sided Relationship, Slow Romance, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-12 03:25:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13538673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/airute
Summary: There is nothing else.[TYL! Reader/Gokudera]





	1. regret.

__

_i'm so tired of playing this game._

You really did not understand why you did it to begin with. It is a spur of the moment sort of thing. The hormones in your body are simply calling out to the teenager sleeping in front of you and you simply cannot leave without trying it. You walk over to him and look at him for a moment, knowing that you would never give Haru the satisfaction of verifying her suspicions about your crush towards a certain teenager. He does not seem like the right type to fall in love with: rude, loud, and rough around the edges. Yet, there is a darker aspect to your constant denial that you never want to end up like her. You know well enough that falling in love and marrying would only end up hurting, just like it had with your mother who had grown into a crying and despondent person after your father had left. Love is only meant to hurt people, but this is a simple teenaged fascination, so you go along with that delusion. It does not last long, as you place your lips over his. However, that is long enough for you to feel a tiny spark of electricity that makes you pull back. You feel your blood boil, as a bright shade of red slowly over takes your face and the sudden confusion and dizziness that comes with the kiss makes you get up and quickly run out of the Sawada's living room. You are unaware of a certain silver-haired bomber waking up to the something being placed on top of his lips. His green eyes widen over the incident as they glance on where you had just been. His face is a bright red, as he pushes back his hair in a rather agitated matter in order to calm himself down.

"What the hell was that?"

* * *

_Age 16._  
It takes him a couple of weeks to understand what had happened, another six months to realize the slow change of his feelings towards you and finally a whole year you to confront you about it, and maybe reveal his true feelings in the process. He takes you up to the school roof, but does not say anything for a while. You watch him from your place near the door, looking at him like some cornered animal. He starts talking and then you realize that he knows what happened a year ago. You stop looking at him, towards anything else --at the sky, the fence, or the floor-- that is not him or those pretty green eyes of his. However, he puts an end to that as he places his hands on either side of your head, his body blocking any possible escape, while he tells you to look at him. When you finally do, he captures your lips with his own and it is so god damn hard not to feel something stir up inside you again. Your hands clutch unto his unbuttoned collar, as he grabs your head and pulls you closer to him. It lasts a few minutes and the two of you only break apart due the need of oxygen, you are blushing as he gives you a rare smile that sends your heart racing. However, it quickly freezes once he asks you that dreaded question because somewhere in the back of your head, the fear you have towards commitment is greater than any feelings you may have for him. So, your mouth unhinges itself without a second thought to let out any excuse you can think of to make it seem that dating him would be a bad choice, but you know they are all lies. His eyes turn dark and by the end of your little tirade he has distanced himself from you, cursing under his breath as he walks away and closes the metal door with a loud crashing noise. You just stand there, staring at the sky with your lips still warm from the kiss, but everything else is numb and ice cold.

"So, Gokudera finally has a girlfriend?"

"Awwww!"

It is a week after the incident when you hear those words being spoken by some classmates and you try to ignore the the sound of your own heart breaking.

_Age 18._  
Two years and numerous girlfriends later during winter break is when your mother decides to kick you out of your small apartment in order to live with the man that she is currently dating. It is raining and you are sitting in a local bus stop with a duffel bag full of clothes and very little money when he sees you by accident. It is a little awkward since after the incident the two of you hardly talk anymore, merely becoming friends by association. He glares at you, as you cannot help but notice that he looks pretty good being drenched by the rain. You expect him to you leave alone there, probably call Haru or Kyoko about your situation since you don't have a cellphone anymore, but instead he walks straight up to you, asking what the hell you are doing in the rain. You tell him the truth and he stands there for a while. The silence bothers you, as you bite your lower lip, only to be surprised that he picks up your bag and grabs your wrist roughly. He tells you not to ask any questions and within a few minutes the both of you are soaking wet and standing in front of a familiar apartment building. A few flights of stairs later, you are in a medium-sized apartment with Gokudera telling you to take a shower so you won't catch a cold. You stand there dumbstruck before he yells and throws your bag at you. He points to the general direction of where the bathroom is and within fifteen minutes, you are out only for him to go in right after you. You walk into the small kitchen with your stomach grumbling since you had not eaten anything since the afternoon. You slowly find yourself looking through his cabinets and refrigerator for something edible to eat and find different little things which you somehow make a small meal for two. Once Gokudera comes out of the bathroom with a towel on his head, you are already set up on the couch with different plates surrounding you. He stares at you for a moment, a small smile on his face for an instant, before sitting next to you and picking up different things to eat as well. The meal is mostly silent until by the end you ask for something that surprises him.

"Do you have anything hard to drink?"

It takes him a few moments to process the question and he wonders when you started drinking, especially since neither of you are the legal age yet. Yet, the haggard look on your face tells him a drink is something that you probably need at the moment. He gets up and opens a cabinet near his television to get the alcoholic beverage and two cups. He pours the dark liquid into each glass and by the time he is done pouring his own, you are already asking for a second shot. Nevertheless, unlike the Italian, you are a lightweight as you are bright red and mumbling whatever comes to mind by your ten shot and he just feels a light buzz. He cannot really understand what you are saying, something about your mother and then the talk turns to him. Maybe, your mind is clear of all its demons for a moment, as you look him straight in the eye and whisper something before crashing your lips onto his for the second time.

"I-I l-ike y-ou, Hayato..."

The coherent part of his brain shuts down once he feels your hands on the button of his jeans. Yet, he retains enough of it to ask you multiple times if you are sure that this is something you want to do and you simple reply with an affirmative before planting kisses up and down his neck. After that, it is a blur of sweaty bodies, kisses, and whimpers of his name for the rest of the night in different places throughout his apartment until sleep claims the both of you in the early morning hours. For the first time in a long time, Gokudera seems to be able to sleep without the nightmares of his past coming to haunt, as he places his arm around your waist, unaware of a ringing coming from his living room. No, but by morning, he will know when he wakes up on a cold bed and in a wreaked bedroom. He will look frantically for any trace of you --to make sure if the night before was for real and not just a figment of his imagination-- and he does in the kitchen on a small piece of paper with your jumbled writing.

_Your girlfriend will be here in the afternoon._

He crumbles the paper. His face red with anger at the memory of a whimper from a sleeping woman asking for him not to leave her.

_Age 20._  
You are working and studying in Namimori, while he goes off to follow Tsunayoshi to Italy. The two of you never talk about that night, growing ever more distant than before, as you graduate from high school and entered different career paths. You cut off all relations with your mother after that night, even ignoring her invitation to her second wedding. You are fine living with your paternal grandparents until college starts and you move into an apartment with some familiar faces, while working as waitress in a cafe close to your school. Everything is all right and you are happy with the normality of your life. Normal is good and there is nothing that could hurt you. You do not expect anything big to happen that day until an older woman comes into the cafe and asks for something to drink. Her green eyes stare at you and they remind you too much of his, as you bite the inside of your cheek, but she never says anything and you never ask. She just looks at you with a sad smile and speaks one sentence before leaving.

"You could be so happy if you weren't so afraid."

You cannot help but silently agree.

_Age 25._  
He is tired and in a foul mood when he comes back from one of his missions, but there are many things that still need to be planned for the upcoming wedding. Gokudera Hayato is happy that his boss is getting married, though the bride has been an interesting choice that even he did not know about. He is happy for the couple, even if his own relationships have made him rather jaded towards the idea of romance. The Storm Guardian is about to go to try to get some sleep when Yamamoto goes up to him, saying that Tsuna wishes for all of them to welcome the guests that have arrived from Namimori. He wonders who has come, but an order is an order, so he follows the baseball idiot without much complaint compared to when they were younger. It wasn't like he is going to get much sleep anyways, his nightmares were gradually getting worse as the years passed. He can smell the different pastries from the main room, as the couple is welcoming the incoming guests. Tsuna's arm encircles her waist lovingly as the two guardians enter the room to the greeted by several females. The bride-to-be jumps from her fiancee's embrace as she reintroduces everyone after years of not seeing each other for some. Gokudera feels a lump grow in his throat as a familiar name is called by the black-haired woman, only for his green eyes to clash with the woman's that he had not seen in seven years.

"It's been a while, Gokudera." 

**time is passing us by.**


	2. today.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the months up to their meeting.
> 
> [one more chance - super junior](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UROg0lsqW0)

_now, my heart is depleted._

_January._  
It is only a part time job in order to get some more experience under your belt, as you smile at your coworker from across the table. You are one of the many receptionists that the company has thanks to the good word that Kyoko's boyfriend has given for you. It has been nearly six months since then and you are getting used to the office setting, which is very different from working in customer service. Nevertheless, your colleagues are treating you well, even inviting you to drinks at the end of the work week. The one who has helped you the most so far is a man who works in your same department with sweet brown eyes and a dimpled smile. However, you have grown aware that he seems to stutter suddenly whenever you are around now. You can see what is coming next and you try to let him down easy when he finally asks you out.

"I don't think I am ready of a relationship right now."

You never tell him that you have a thing for men with silver hair and green eyes.

_February._  
It becomes a habit in his later years: pick up a pretty girl, play the gentleman, make love, and watch the romance slowly burn out. He sits on the edge of the bed with his black pants clinging loosely around his hips and a cigarette in his mouth, as he runs his hand through his hair in frustration. He wonders how long he can keep going with this type of lifestyle, but he already knows the answer to that. Green eyes glance at the woman sleeping next to him; a small smile on her lips as she turns to face the sunlight slowly glittering through the curtains. He gets up quietly begins to put his clothes back on and leaves the apartment as quickly as a mouse in the dead of night. Soon, he will have another heart-broken woman with tears in their eyes, clutching his shirt and desperately looking for answers.

"Why?"

He isn't exactly sure if he can explain why because just like them, he never got the answers he was searching for either.

_March._  
Romance comes and goes, an endless cycle that humans are constantly in of falling in love and feeling heartbreak. It scares and has scarred you at the same time even if it is only from distance, as you watch your friend crying over her latest relationship. The evening between the both two of you is spent eating, watching various shows, and breaks in between in order for her to cry her heart out. You hand her another tissue as she goes on reminiscing about her former love and you slowly begin to wonder. The idea of you actually letting someone into that little broken crevice that you call your heart. Would the pain truly be worth it in the long run?

"Why enter a relationship if there's a possibility of be hurt in the end?"

"I think because the memories are less painful than the what ifs in the long run."

You are slowly questioning if it is you or the rest of the world that is the fool.

_April._  
Bianchi wonders if her brother sees what everyone else can, even if they don't say it out loud. There is always a certain type woman that he goes after in his more serious relationships; the ones that last more than one night, but less than a year. There is always a certain shade of hair and eye color that he is looking for when pursuing a woman. It isn't always that exact color, but it is as close as he can get. She knows that she isn't in line to say anything because she had done the same thing after Romeo had died and before she met Reborn. A smile blooms on her face as she watches her brother look at the blue sky above the Vongola garden. The women from various families are looking at the Storm guardian, as he takes a long puff of his cigarette. Always looking for a replica, but it will never quite as good as the original.

"You should stop chasing ghosts, Hayato."

Secretly, he wished so as well.

_May._  
You blink at Hana's news before Kyoko cheers and hugs her best friend in utter glee. The dark-haired woman is not as excited as her friend, but you can see it in her eyes and the light smile on her face. You know that Ryohei will be excited as well and you slowly feel that life is leaving you behind. Everyone you know is slowly going into a new direction with their lives and mostly with their significant other. You let out a sigh and smile at Hana, as the three of you continue to make your way through eating various sweeties like you always do at the end of the month. You talk and smile until Haru leaves and it is just you and Kyoko. She stares at you for a moment before she grabs your hand --the ring on her finger shining brightly-- with a worried look on her face.

"Even if everything changes, we will always be there for you."

Maybe, this is why you had always feared change.

_June._  
He wakes up in middle of the night from another dream -another life- as he inhales another batch of nicotine into his lungs. Sometimes, he does not know why he is so hung up with the past. It is always either a certain woman or his mother that are in his mind when being a Mafioso does not take up his life, so it is usually at night. He wonders why he is such a coward when it comes to the important things that didn't involve the Vongola. He should have pushed more, have more ambition, but sometimes that did not change things when feelings were already things cemented into place, things that were out of his control. Gokudera was aware of her parents' situation and all that had followed up until that night when she came into his apartment back in Namimori. Gokudera groans in a bitter mix of emotions as he curses before leaving his room for the underground training area.

Surely, he was not the only coward in this failed relationship.

_August._  
The iced tea is freshening for the particularly warm weather of the day. Kyoko is talking in excitement and nostalgia, but she is happy for her friends and you are as well, to a lesser extent. Lately, the days seem to drag on and you cannot seem to understand why anymore nor do you seem to care. You go through the motions, like meeting with different girlfriends at the end of the month, even if the number is decreasing bit by bit. You smile and laugh at the happiness that Kyoko displays in her relationship with Mochida, but there is no regret in her voice or actions. Regret is a bitter pill to swallow and you wonder if that is what you are truly feeling. The little voice in the back of your head says yes, but like all humans you tend to ignore reason and hide in the mask of vacuity. After a few more minutes, you get up and say your goodbyes to Kyoko as the summer sun slowly starts to set in. You are too immersed into your thoughts to notice a familiar woman standing in front of your apartment building. Her face has more wrinkles than it used to and the streaks of gray in her hair are more visible than ever before, probably because she had stopped dyeing her hair some time ago. You stare at her and she stares back for a moment before rushing towards you. You know what happens next, but you are stiff and cold as she embraces you and begins to cry. She whispers slowly as the smell of hospital and death sink deep into your bones.

"Sweetie, I'm running out of time."

It makes you wonder if you could live with the regret until it kills you as well.

_September._  
He doesn't need or want to go back to Namimori often. The Vongola Headquarters are in Italy and over time it is Hibari's permanent position to take care of the town they all grew up in. However, there are times when Tsuna is needed there and as the right-hand man he has to go as well, but today is one of those easier days in the life of being a Mafioso. It is a calmer day because the couple is going to go see the excited parents about their future plans and everything that involves planning a wedding. There is not much for him to do and he almost finds himself dialing a number on his cell phone while leaning near some cafe during lunchtime because he knows that she could be easy to find. She is always one step away from him, but it seems too far at the same time. If he makes the right call to a certain person, he could find out where she lived or worked. He almost thinks about doing it for a moment as well, but then out of the corner of his eye he sees a young couple, a few years younger than him, walking down the street holding hands and laughing. The sight makes him close his phone in apprehension and get up to walk back the way he came from.

"It wouldn't work."

It never does.

_October._  
It is a tiring weekend when you get the envelope in the mail. You stare at it for a moment, still processing all the information of the day because Haru and Tsuna will be getting married in a couple of months and your mother is slowly dying, connected to a respirator at the hospital. Endings and beginnings are all part of life. It is something essential of being a human; a chapter's completion always gives way to the start of something new. Yet, there are people who are in the middle of a story without anyway of moving forward. You wonder if you could be considered one of those people because it certainly does feel that way sometimes. The events of the day leave you with no need to eat anything, as you make a simple sandwich and decide to mindlessly watch some television before it is time to go to sleep. You are snoozing on the couch, some random self-help infomercial as the background noise, when the phone rings waking you out of dream filled of green and silver. It is Kyoko and you already know what she is going to ask you and it is the news of new starts and the final curtain calls that stirs something inside you because you cannot possible live this way your entire life.

"Yes, I would love to be a bridesmaid!"

Slowly, everything is falling into place.

_November._  
It is not often that Tsunayoshi Sawada gets free time to drink and relax, but his two oldest friends insist. They are each holding a glass cup in their hands and sitting in the large seats that are in the Vongola study, talking about anything that comes to mind and laughing at old stories of their childhood. Sawada wonders in laughter what his old self would think of him now if he could see his twenty-five year old self -- leader of the Vongola, drinking, and soon to be married. There have been hardships along the way, but he does not find himself regretting many things so far in life. Yamamoto follows the same line of thought only wishing to have played a bit more baseball before he coming back to the Vongola. However, Gokudera stays quiet for some time when it is his turn to answer. His eyes grow darker, but he lets out a resigned sigh and wry laugh

"There are some things I regret, but I am slowly letting them go."

Tsuna hoped that was really true.

_December._  
He really does not know what to say when you greet him with a smile because the years are just washing over him. He wants to scream and yell at you, while all you want to do is cry. However, neither of you do that as you exchange pleasantries for a moment before moving on to talking to someone else. It is like a dance for the rest of the night of carefully avoiding each other, but still knowing perfectly well where the other person is within the room. Drinks and tales of the years in between high school and that moment are exchanged until there is nothing left to talk about and people slowly filter out of the room. Almost everyone you know has gone to do something else, but something within you is too restless to go to sleep just yet, even if you are tired from the jet lag. Instead, you are overlooking the vast Vongola gardens from the large balcony with an empty glass in your hand and your emotions slowly suffocating you. The saying of misery loved company is surely true because you hear the glass panel open and close, but you already know who it is. His quick strides echo, as he soon forces you to turn around and forcibly see the green eyes that you have been dreaming about for more than seven years. There is an animalistic nature to his actions as he grabs your wrists, forcing you to drop and shatter the wine glass in the process, and places them on top the railing. You are chest to chest and you feel the rumble in his chest when he begins to talk, angry and sad at the same time, leaning his forehead onto your shoulder. He is determined and like always you are the fragile glass underneath his feet.

"Why did you first kiss me all those years ago?"

"Because back then, I still held the fatalistic notion that I could be happy."

**love drained me of everything i had.**


	3. intermission.

_i'm just waiting._

It is like middle school all over again because he has you captured with those green eyes that make everything in your head spill onto the floor in front of him. You tell him of the fear you have had since you were a teenager because of the horrible and failed marriage that your parents suffered through. Everything that comes with falling in love and committing yourself to another person always seems to turn awful and someone always ends up in tears while the other moves on. Someone always puts in more into the relationship, but always gets hurt in the end and you did not want to feel that pain. You are fine living in your little bubble without ever forming a relationship with the opposite sex; you have your friends, but that is slowly changing as well. Honestly, you do not know what you are going to do because you want to move on so damn badly, but are still afraid to actually move from the safety that you had created for yourself. You suddenly feel small as he looks at you for what seems to be a long time after you finish your speech. Your throat tightens as he lets go of you, but you do not say anything as he sighs and puts his hands in his pockets before walking away from you. You feel a strange emptiness send a deep chill into your bones, as you stare at the floor absentmindedly for a moment. You stay silent until you walk the empty halls of the Vongola mansion and find your room and slowly cry yourself to sleep.

"You're what I'm afraid of the most, Hayato."

* * *

_Afternoon._  
Her green eyes are watching him from behind the glass, as he stares at the group of women laughing and tasting different cakes from the black-haired woman's favorite pastry shop. Carefree laughter and giggles come bubbling into the hallways of the large living area, as he sits down on an elegantly carved chair not so far away from the noise. He is too tired --from working and ragged emotions-- to get up and move into his own private quarters, but Bianchi thinks that he does not want to move away for another reason. Each woman has their own distinct laugh and it is easy for her and Gokudera to know which laughter belongs to the woman who is so afraid of commitment, but head over heels in love with her younger brother. The smoke from his cigarette slowly fills the air, as she makes herself known to her sibling who simply stares at her before turning away. His fear of her has slowly died away over years of being around each other for so long due their work for the Vongola. She smiles, but he does not return it, as his eyes close and his weariness sends him into a deep sleep.

"Not all is lost, Hayato. Fight for her heart like you do for Tsuna and you will end all these years of pain."

Bianchi believes that love is the strongest emotion of all and one action can take it a long way.

_December 15th._  
You lay awake on the queen-sized bed that is part of one of the many Vongola guestrooms. You are playing with a small pendant that your mother had given you before she passed away -on a clear November day in her sleep after asking for forgiveness a million times over- because you cannot sleep due to the dreams coming to bother you in the middle of the night. They are dreams of green and silver with a raging storm promising you so many things if you simply broke from the golden cage that you are a willing prisoner of. Yet, you do not know if you could accept this because you are still so fearful of having your heart broken by letting another person inside of it and you cannot lie that you have not heard the whispers of maids with tales of him breaking a woman's heart whose wrath often got him in trouble with other families. How are you any different from those women? Would Gokudera throw you away once he got tired of playing this stupid game called love? You do not wish to end up like your mother or possibly worst since Gokudera's connections with the mafia could simply make you disappear without a trace or anybody caring. You feel a familiar sting prick at the corners of your eyes, as you try to push the oncoming tears away as quickly as they begin. You start to breathe heavily as you clutch the pendent around your neck, not really knowing what to do anymore, trapped between the edge of your comfort zone and something you had never experienced before. It all really depended on what Gokudera would do next.

"Whatever happens please let it work."

_December 25th._  
The Vongola consider Christmas to be an intimate affair to be shared with family and close friends, quite differently than other mafia families that make extravagant parties of the season in order to show off their wealth. Tsuna looks around to see all of his old friends and other associates walking and talking with each other, as the large Christmas tree plays the role of centerpiece for the room with various presents underneath it. Haru and some of the other women -all the servants had a paid day off to spend the holiday with their families- are handing out different sweets and concoctions that they had made earlier in the day. He smiles from his chair at the sight of his wife-to-be laughing and joking with everyone else, but he is also surprised that his right-hand man had not brought anyone to share in the festivities like previous years. It is odd, but he knows the reason why. The brown-haired man takes a sip of his cup filled with cider, as he hears the perky voice that he had fallen in love with over the years.

"So, you noticed it too?"

"What, dear?"

"She and Gokudera have been making puppy dog eyes at each other nearly all month."

Tsuna laughs lightly at how Haru words the love problems of their childhood friends. Yet, he knows it has been a constant back and forth dance between the two of them since she had been brought into the Vongola mansion for the first time earlier in the month. Tsuna knows well enough what had happened between the pair years before, since Gokudera often got wordy when he drank too much. He really does not think he can do anything for them since it is their decision on whether or not they are willing to take the next step that they have been denying for so long. However, Tsuna knows something is churning the gears inside his fiancee's head since she gained that twinkle in her eyes whenever she is coming up with a new plan. The Vongola tenth sighs -as Gokudera moves to the other side of the room when she starts talking to Yamamoto- as Haru gives him a sinister smile and plants herself on his lap. It might help or it might not, but he just hops that everything will end well for them.

"What do you have plan, Haru?"

"We should play matchmaker!"

**i cannot hold on to the hand i long for.**


	4. restart.

_and i know that this isn't love._

Haru looks at the women circled around the elegantly decorated wooden table underneath a large umbrella that provides them all with shade and tasting different types of cakes while simply enjoying being in the company of one another with their laughter and giggles filling the balcony. Brown eyes glance at her bridesmaids, an idea bubbling in her head and ready to pop out of her mouth with the champagne in her hand. All of the women with her have been to Italy more than once with either a group or a significant other, except for one of them simply because she refused to let herself be touched by the rest of the world. The bride-to-be prepares herself to burst that self-made cage because she knows exactly how, along with having the best weapon in her arsenal to do so. Haru is quick to notice a man at the other end of the large balcony, hidden in the shadows with a cigarette lit in his hands, taking in the sights of a certain bird caged woman and whatever momentary happiness she allowed herself. Her brightly-colored lips quirk into a mischievous smile and with a cheery noise everyone's attention turns to her, like a real mafia bride could only do so.

"I want you guys to run errands for me throughout the city!"

* * *

_Dec. 31st - Jan. 1st_

New Year's is considered an even more intimate affair than Christmas for the Vongola guardians and the various subordinates who spend it behind closed doors with loved ones or among the brightly colored lights and festivities of the masses. Gokudera knows that Tsuna will be spending the rest of his evening with Haru, in the similar fashion the other guardians had flown back to Japan or were spending the night in their own wings of the large estate. The smell of nicotine mixed with the underlying sense of loneliness is deeply seated within the Storm Guardian. He does not wish to be alone tonight or any other night, but at the same time he does not wish to seek out the warm body of another woman either. Yes, it would be easy for him to do by entering some random bar, smile and pretend to listen until he brings them back to one of the various apartments that he owns throughout the beautifully decorated city. He knows the reason why, even if he refuses to acknowledge it. However, it is always so much harder to catch her attention compared to any of the other women that he had bedded; she drained all his energy without even trying. All these negative thoughts bring a sudden need within himself that he has not had in quite some time, as he soon finds himself in the vacant room that large piano that the Vongola has owned for years. His fingers twitch in the familiarity of music recitals and Bianchi's poisoned food. The notes are slowly drawn out of the piano, as he closes his green eyes while his fingers --forever calloused from fighting-- glide into a past that he does not quite remember anymore. He almost does not catch the sounds of soft footsteps that could easily be ignored due to the music and the large sound of fireworks slowly painting the night sky. He does notice though, but he just does not wish nor does he have the strength to care at the current moment. Green, red, and silver slowly crack and burn in the night sky, as he feels a smaller body slide next to his. The fear and apprehension of everyday life seems to fly away for the evening or maybe she is trying to break away from the bird cage -- give herself a new start. Hayato is not quite so sure on what to believe, but for a brief moment the loneliness that suffocates him seems a little less than before and he cannot help the small burst of hope slowly burning itself within the nostalgia and self-made isolation he has grown so accustom to.

"Happy New Year, Hayato."

he really wished it would be.

_January 15th._

You are not quite so sure how you end up in your current situation. There is a note in your hand with Haru's looped-styled handwriting and multiple errands for the two of you to complete before the end of the day. You do not quite understand why the dark-haired woman picks you of all people since you had never been to Italy before this. Maybe, that is the reason why Tsuna had decided to send Gokudera with you. He has that usually annoyed face while carrying various bags from the already completed errands, but he does not seem to complain because Tsuna has sent him and Gokudera would never defy his orders. His loyalty makes you frown for a moment because you wonder if that is the only area of his life where he could place such a high value on a person. Ten years and you still do not understand him, but what person could fully understand another human being during their lifetime?

"Wow!"

The dazzling architecture of the old Florentine buildings captivate your attention every now and then, as the Storm Guardian watches from a distance in order to not lose you through the crowd of natives and few tourists that always seem to be around. The silver-haired man deepens his frown at the thought that you could have seen this a hundred time before if things had gone a different way, but he is not sure who is to be blame for that or if you both share the guilt equally. He then notices that you have stopped on a small street and are looking through the window of a rather nicely decorated shop. You turn to look back at him, as your dress moves with the slightest movement of your body. He inhales deeply at the spark of curiosity and something else -maybe a growing joy towards life in general- in your eyes that catches him off guard for a moment.

"What is this, Gokudera?"

The bomber is brought back by that bothersome feeling that comes from how quickly you can go from using his first name in exchange with his last name. He lets out a hefty sigh as he notices that you are looking into a gelaterie. He briefly explains to you what it is as the tip of your finger touches the glass that separates you from the renowned Italian sweet. He wonders if you notice that small, brightly yellow colored shop is mostly filled with couples, but it seems like you are more enthralled with getting a taste of the actual sweet to see anything else besides that. Gokudera knows what happens next, but before you can say anything he has already snatched your wrist with his free hand. There is sudden silence between the both of you, as he wonders when is the last time he had actually touched you was. It had been back in December, but it feels so much longer than that. When was that last time he had touched your skin without some burning desperation growing within him? Years ago, he concludes. It has festered inside him for too long and he wonders if you feel it as well -- that stupid, numbing feeling that over takes him whenever he hears couples murmur sweetly to each other in his native tongue. Green eyes scan your face before looking directly into your eyes, but he only sees confusion and he almost hates you for it.

"We should finish the errands first."

"I wa-nt.."

"I'll treat you to it next time."

"Really?"

"Promise."

somehow, it felt like he was promising so much more than that.

_January 20th._

It is mid-afternoon when he drags you away from the tailoring of your bridesmaid dress. You apologize to Haru, as Gokudera seems to ignore what he has done, neither of you really noticing the smile secretly blooming underneath her teacup. The both of you are welcomed by the sun shining brightly, as you exit the Vongola estate to see the same driver from a few days ago greeting you once again. He smiles slightly at the sight of Gokudera still holding your hand, secretly confirming the rumors that have been running like wildfire within the large household. The bomber gives him the directions of where to go in a language you still do not understand before entering the dark-colored vehicle. The car begins to move soon afterwards, as you suddenly feel him squeezing your hand harder than usual for a brief moment. You give him a sideways glance, but he is looking outside towards the countryside and other large estates that reside right outside the city limits. You feel a cold sweat staring to run down your spine and the idea of letting go starts running wildly in your mind. You take a deep breath and almost let go, but he just holds onto your hand even harder that it almost hurts you. You turn to look at him, only to have one green eye glancing at your direction making sure that you understand that he is not letting go. You are almost jealous of him for a moment because he seems so sure of what he is actually doing. Yet, you are not like Hayato who has always been filled with rash decisions that he shows little regret for in the long run.

"Gokudera, where are we going?'

"Gelaterie."

That is all that he says in the twenty-minute drive into town, but a smile due to childish giddiness quickly blooms on your face and during that brief moment he let go of your hand, you quickly grab his and do not let go of it as you enter the small but quaint shop.

"Thank you, Gokudera."

"Hayato."

"What?"

"I only want you using my first name, got it?"

"I..."

"I'm not asking."

"T-Thank you, Hayato."

**i guess, everything is changing.**


	5. fastforward.

_what makes people suddenly fall in love?_

If there is something that maids are good at than cleaning is gossip and Gokudera is painfully aware of this. He is aware that the walls speak within all places of high society and the Vongola estate did not escape that. You were aware that the maids and other staff spoke; you had heard them talk about Gokudera's various escapades with other women, but at the same time of his devotion to Tsuna and the Vongola. There were names here and there, but that is all you understood them as and Gokudera's actions towards others are what worried you the most. Would he treat you the same way? They always said no, that you were the one that he had been waiting for this whole time, but that was the only thing that you could not believe them about. Yet, Gokudera understood their words in different meanings that you never could. It was his job to take the secret meanings of words and find the truth behind them. He knew that words could hurt deeply, but actions had their own value as well. The maids and everyone else that worked the mundane routine that ran the Vongola estate on a daily basis could always say one thing but could mean another and it was his job to figure out what. He knew that many looked at the two of you and wondered when it would be cemented into something long-lasting, but he knew that he couldn't rush anything lest he scare you away after all the progress that he had made. Yet, there were others that spoke other words of Gokudera's past and who they wished returned. Her name spilled from their lips like a prayer, but he knew all too well that she was dangerous as a black widow. Her name keeps spilling over and over, sometimes connected to his name and other times with Haru's, until one day the cooking staff speaks in excited but hushed tones.

"Miss. Luciana is coming."

* * *

_January 27th._

This is pure torture. The worst thing you have gone through in all your time within Italy because you are fully aware of who she is. It seems Haru is surprised as well from the look she was wearing when the butler brought out the unannounced guest. Nevertheless, the black-haired woman welcomes the mysteriously woman warmly and gives her a cup of tea -- jasmine with two teaspoons of sugar and one of honey. Her red hair is cute in a short bob that moves anytime she talks animatedly about her recent trips around Europe. She congratulates Haru on her upcoming wedding date and Kyoko on her engagement, while surprising everyone by showing the gold ring around her on finger. She gushes of her new husband, a rich Austrian with aristocratic ties and all she does is look at you throughout the entire conversation. Sometimes, her eyes are locked on you while she is supposed to be speaking to someone and you can only imagine she is sizing you up in her mind. You knew she was probably comparing to the image she had created in her head from everything she had head about you; you had done the same since she walked through the glass door. You can only wonder what mysteries you had destroyed within her mind and what others she was beginning to wave. Nevertheless, you can tell it's a mix of emotions in her eyes and when she finally hugs to say goodbye -- with a promise to come again soon- there is a slight change in her tone as whispers into your ear eagerly.

"I am glad I got to check out the competition."

"..."

"If you can't keep up, I'm always here. Someone being married never stopped Hayato."

After dinner, you refuse to see Gokudera for three days.

_January 31st._

After his morning routine, he stands in front of your door for at least 15 minutes after breakfast had been served. He knew you were scared of whatever Luciana had told you. It had made you draw back into your shell again, as a result. Nobody besides the women of the Vongola had seen you out of your room and you refused to take your meals with the rest of the group. He stands there for a moment before knocking on your door. You question who it is, but he doesn't respond. This makes you open the door slightly to see his face which causes you to close the door once again, but he is faster and places his shoe in the middle from stopping your childish action. He grabs your wrist and pulls you out of the room, as a sudden yelp escapes her lips. He doesn't say anything and you don't either, as you pass different people along the halls until you are outside near the garage. However, instead of a car, there is a motorcycle there and the silver-haired man gives you a helmet. You look at him curiously and all he can do is frown.

"I am not going to do anything to you, so put on the helmet."

"How did?"

"You're easy to read."

It is all he says as he puts on his own helmet and forces you to put your own on as well before picking you up and placing you on the back of the motorcycle. He sits in front and places both your arms around his waist before starting up the engine to leave the large estate. All you can do throughout the entire ride is hold onto the Mafioso and watch the scenery get left behind. You push your nails into his shirt and hope it hurts, even for a moment. At least so, that he can feel the ache, that burning sensation, you had been feeling the past couple of days since you had meet that woman. You didn't want to feel jealous of other women being with Gokudera, but it was all that you could feel since listening on the maids and their talks. It was a disgusting feeling, but at the same time it was your entire fault. These dark thoughts depressed you that you didn't notice the motorcycle had stopped moving and Gokudera was getting off. He pulled your helmet off of your head and all you could stare at was the ocean and sand surrounding you.

"It's beautiful!"

"I know, it's why I like driving here when I have the time."

You look at him for a moment, which causes him to look away sheepishly. You want to be cruel and ask him how many other girls he has brought to this area and is he had feed them the same line as well. However, you don't because it hurts too much and the answer would probably lead to a fight, which isn't what you really want at the moment. Instead, you smile and run towards the shoreline. There isn't much Gokudera can do but place his helmet down and run after you. You take off your shoes and ran into the sea and he did the same as well. Everything seemed less heavy for a moment, as you played liked children in the ocean and all those years of emotions were forgotten. However, eventually the sun begins to rise more and it starts to get hotter, as the two of you grab your footwear and begin to head towards the vehicle. It isn't until you're right next to the motorcycle that he begins to talk and all the pent up emotion is back.

"What did she tell you?"

"It's what she said and everything I've heard, Hayato."

"What would that be?"

"You throw people away once their use ends. I don't want to be thrown away."

"I wouldn-"

"I don't want the love to fade. I don't want to end up like my parents!"  


You scream and the locked up tears begin to run down your face. You fall onto the gravel next to the motorcycle and begin to sob uncontrollably, not caring about dropping your shoes. All Gokudera can do is look at you for a moment before the information finally sets in. It was this that you had always been afraid, the reason you had pushed him away. The way your parents' lives had run their course in front of you had scarred you and he had never been able to see that. You're still bawling like a child when he slowly moves and encircles your body within his arms. You try to push him away, but your strength has diminished greatly from the toll those heavy tears were taking on your body. You cry into his shirt and find it hard to breathe until he begins to rock you back and forth while whispering words in that language you still couldn't understand, nevertheless the sound of his voice made you calm down greatly. He smiles when your crying turned into small hiccups and tells you softly to look at him. You don't oblige and first, so he delicately grabs your chin and raises your head so you could see him clearly.

"Stupid, we'll never end up like them."

"H-how can you k-know?"

"Because I've been in love with the same stubborn woman for 7 years and nobody's been able to change that."

"Hayato..."

He doesn't let you finish your response because he takes both sides of your face and finally responds to that kiss you had given back him in high school. 

**i pray for the day love can give me my heart back.**


	6. pause.

__

_you're digging deeper into me._

It is an hour past lunchtime when the two of you finally arrive back to the mansion. There is a slight smile on your face as you enter the large entertainment room with Gokudera's arm lightly wrapped around your waist. Haru and the other women stop talking and taking in their afternoon tea to have a good, hard look at you and try to figure the current situation. It takes a moment before everything clicks in Haru's head and after it does she comes running towards the two of you and pulls you away. Kyoko and Hana soon follow, as the black-haired woman tries to get every detail out of you. The worry she had been feeling earlier in the morning -after she heard Gokudera had whisked you away without anyone's permission- is gone, as she wonders what has changed for that smile to form so easily on your lips. The silver-haired bomber looks at the sight fondly, like something he has been waiting for years to happen, until a question stops the happiness from completely taking over his being. It's the daunting question that still hangs between the two of you, but you still have enough fear in your heart to answer in a way he doesn't wish to hear. You utter the words shyly to one of the million questions that still hang in the air of the strange relationship the two of you have. It makes his heart stop beating for a second because even though you had just taken the first step, there was still a long road ahead for the two of you to make this, whatever it was, into something solid and concrete.

"...Sort of."

His smile turns bitter and he knows all he can do is take it slow and easy.

* * *

_February 2nd._

It takes him a day to muster up the courage to knock at your door and ask you out. It's weird and awkward between the two of you when he comes into your room at nine o'clock in the morning with the intention to take you out on breakfast date. You're confused and obviously still sleepy, as he sits on the red couch adjacent to the bed with crumpled sheets that you were sleeping in until a few moments ago. After everything sinks in, you start running around like a child and getting clothes from your suitcase -an object he glares at with aversion- as you tell him you will try to hurry as fast as possible. Gokudera takes a deep breath and takes a cigarette to light. He is too jittery in his opinion, but he cannot help it, as he hangs his arms over his thighs while hunching his head to look at the pale red carpet. This was his first date with you. This is everything he has been dreaming of for such a long time that he nearly double over when he sees you comes out of the bathroom in a simple knee-length dress, a light cardigan, and sandals. There is a nervous smile on your face and this whole scene makes him feel like that stupid teenager that missed his chance seven years ago. He escorts you out of the room and to the area where his motorcycle is parked. The drive is fifteen minutes of silence and even when you get to the small little restaurant that sells sweet Italian bread and drinks, there is nothing but silence. You almost want to break it with some trivial small talk, but Gokudera says something before you can.

"You're probably wondering why I asked you out today."

"Y-Yeah."

"I wanted to be completely honest with you before we move ahead."

_If we can move on ahead_ , is the part of the sentence he doesn't add because he desperately wants to make this work with you. He needs to make this work and that is the reason why he chooses to tell you everything. He tells you of the girls you were already aware of in high school. He keeps the tale moving towards the women he had solid, but toxic relationships with throughout the years -the Serbian, the Brazilian assassin, that pretty Swiss banker, and of course Luciana- with the numerous numbers of one night stands that he sometimes can't quite remember. It takes him two hours to finish his story, as you stare blankly at your cold and wasted coffee. He can see your hand shake for a moment, as you take another bite out of the second half of your panini. You open your mouth and begin to tell him about the have-nots and might-been. The almost dates back in high school, that cute teacher's assistant back in college, the older man that always visited the cafe and asked for a date with his coffee, and of course the sweet coworker a couple of months back. Your story isn't a long as his, but it carries the same message. The two of you are quite for some time, as everything you've been running from begins to sink in. You take a sip of your cold drink and look at him, as you place it back on the glass table.

"Why do you think all of our relationships have failed up to this point?"

"There must be an obvious reason."

The most obvious being you couldn't love someone else when you loved each other.

_February 4th._

"You shouldn't be drink so late at night."

It's all he hears coming from the corner of the room, as he slumps down on the piano bench. He's been hearing things again, from his father and from those opposing the Vongola. Sometimes, it becomes too much from him and he needs a hard drink, but sometimes that drink turns into twenty like it did tonight. Yet, there are other times where those drinks having him turning into the arms of another person from temporary solace, which he couldn't do this time at all. Instead, there is a young woman threading his fingers through his hair and whispering comforting words through her clumsy awkwardness. Through a different mix of languages, he tells her what almost happened tonight and he feels her shaking fingers leave his hair suddenly. All he can hear is her shaky breath in the silence of the room; he expects her to leave the room and never want to see him again. Instead, he feels an arm and a warm body near his shoulder as she tries with all her strength to help him up and get him to his room. He pulls half of his body weight around so that they can get to his room and in all the time walking there she says nothing besides the occasional grunt. It isn't until she tucks him into bed that she says something, as he feels something warm lay beside that he can't help but reach out to it. He can hear her murmuring into his chest, as he places his head on top of hers and feels a dreamless sleep set in.

"Idiot, we don't have to suffer alone anymore."

****

**is this what you call love?**


	7. stalemate.

__

_there is a division in what we are and what we should be._

He wakes up with a bad hangover the morning, a reminder that he is getting too old for binge drinking as frequently as he does it now. Yes, there aren't any dreams, for the first time in a long time he doesn't wake up in sweat and pain from the horrors his mind likes to play on him. Instead, he lightly remembers a smaller person finding him and bringing him his room. She had even taken the effort to remove his dress shoes and other accessories until all that was left was his red shirt hanging loosely around his body and his pants without his belt. The morning grogginess begins to fade and his mind is clear enough to notice that the place next to him is cold. He turns his head to notice a glass of water with a pack of aspirin besides it. The silver-haired bomber wonders how long she had been gone and why she decided to leave in the first place. He sighs as he pushes back the few stray bangs in front of his eyes. He wearily decides to get up and start his morning by getting a new packet of cigarettes. It is when he is sitting on his king-sized bed and about to open the handle of the side table drawer that he notices the small note left next to the glass of water. It is written in her sloppy handwriting in a haste fashion, he almost thinks bitterly, as he scans it over. A small smile soon replaces whatever ill feelings were bubbling up deep inside him.

_Haru woke all of us up for a bachelorette breakfast and sightseeing.  
Please, drink the aspirin and...I'll see you soon._

Gokudera smiles at the effort she is trying to make and promises to try harder as well.

* * *

_February 6th._

There is a tension in the air that makes you feel uneasy -more than usual- around Gokudera. You sit up straight and place your hands neatly on your lap, as the two of you wait for the waiter to arrive. Today, he had decided to take you out to lunch near the city's fashion district. You had an idea of what he might have wanted to do because you had seen played out within relationships a hundred times before. However, the moment you saw were you where after the car had left, you had told him you didn't want him to buy you anything -- all you wanted was lunch. He tells you that he wants to and all you declare is that you will not be bought. It leads to a small fight that leaves the mood heavier than before, but you could tell that there was something he was meaning to tell you and the clothing was only an afterthought to your possible reaction. You place your hands on the white table and ask him politely to speak whatever is on his mind.

"I have a mission I have to leave for."

"Oh..."

There is a crestfallen look on your face, as he tries to explain that it will only be a short mission and he will return shortly before the wedding. Your eyes glaze over slightly and all you can do is nod numbly to his speech. There is a speck of fear in those pretty green eyes of his, as your head clicks and makes connections. Yes, you worry about his safety though all those other women probably didn;t because they were aware of how Gokudera could handle himself within his element, you think sardonically- but, there are so many things you fear as well. You hang your head lowly and stare at your hands for a moment, while he stares at you waiting for a response. All you can decide at the moment is that placing trust in another person is too painful for you, but even then you want to try. You heave a sigh of resignation and ask the bomber to give you his arm. He is confused for a moment, but follows your request. You pull him over the table as you lean forward and give him a small peck on the cheek, releasing him before he can do anything in return. There is a red tinge on his face as you smile lightly with the waiter finally approaching your table to take your orders.

"Please, come back safely."

All you can do is hope he doesn't break this fragile thing -this trust- within his hands.

_February 8th._

Maybe, Gokudera had been spoiling you a bit too much by taking you outside of the estate whenever he had the chance. In the two days he had been gone, you had done nothing but roam around the large mansion, though layout had become too familiar to you. The areas you were allow to you into had already bored you back in January and Haru and the others are busy with their own dealings, especially with the wedding approaching quicker and quicker by the day. You were a tourist in this county and without an escort you were trapped. Yes, there was a chance that this could become your new home, but you didn't want to think about that at the current moment. Maybe, that is why you ask the first person you see to take you outside - that being Yamamoto. He is kind enough to take you into the city and walk you around a park and shopping district he is familiar with. However, just like everyone you know, he isn't the same person from before. No, this Yamamoto is quieter and smile less than the one you knew back in Namimori, but you are still polite and somehow manage to make small talk along way the way.

"We can go inside if you want to."

The former baseball player stops and waits for your answer, as you stare at the small cafe. The sweet coffee smell beckons you with promises of sweet bread until you can no longer eat. However, unlike the last time you craved something, you became aware of the atmosphere surrounding the business, noticing that it was mainly couples taking in their mid-afternoon snack. This isn't the type of place you can enter with Yamamoto. There is only one person that comes to mind as you turn to shake your head. The taller man can't help but grin at your next statement and hope the best for the two of you.

"Np, I can wait until Hayato comes back."

_February 10th._

Sometimes, the job is too much for him to handle. The lives he has taken over the years usually mingle into one until he can't breathe anymore and he wakes up with his lungs burning for air due to the imaginary suffocating - and that wasn't even the worst dream he had to deal with. Yes, it is an awful job, but what else could he have done with his life? He drags himself out of Tsunayoshi's office more haggard than before after giving his report. Yes, he had completed his mission successfully, but it had not turned out the way he had originally planned for it to end and now blood, innocent blood, was on his hands. Gokudera knew what came with working with the mafia, but he wasn't a heartless man either, especially when the lives that were lost were not part of the dirty world he lived in. A miscalculation on his part, something that didn't happen very often, had cost of the lives of those who had known nothing but suffering and awful experimentation all their lives. He knew sleep would be elusive tonight, so instead of going to his own room he goes to yours instead. His footsteps are heavy, as he goes into the guest wing of the estate that only you seem to inhabit and knocks on the door. He hears some shuffling and imagines you jittery and contemplating where you should open the door or not. It makes him smile for a brief moment, as he states his name and questions whether he can come inside for the night. It takes a few short moments for you to open the door and make your full appearance in a nightgown and light shawl, as you frown slightly over the exhausted and defeated look on his face. You pause because this isn't a side of Gokudera you are used to seeing.

"D-Did something happen?"

"...I"

He can't complete his sentence and he suddenly grabs you. He encircles his arms around your waist tightly, as you make a surprised noise over the sudden movement. He doesn't say anything as he pulls you into the room. There is a current of nervousness running through your body, as he lays the two of you down on the bed. It's too dark to see Gokudera and whatever he might be thinking or doing, all you can feel is his breathing slowing down and his grip become slightly looser. You move your body, so your head is leaning onto his chest. It's then that you can smell it, that scent that fills your lungs and almost makes you can to throw up, that besides the usual cigarette and gunpowder that makes Gokudera's scent unique, there is something else clinging onto his body. It is the smell of iron and copper that runs through every human being - it is the smell of blood. That sense of nervousness combines with the empty fear that is slowly rising out of the pit of your stomach. You wonder what he has done tonight and all the days he has been missing, but know you will never get the true answer out of him. Instead, you cling onto his red shirt and cannot help the small sobs that begin to rack your body. He isn't fully asleep yet, but he is slowly getting there and all he can do for you is pat your head lightly and mutter an unintelligible string of words. You cry out the years of useless emotions you have denied for so long. You cry for yourself and for Gokudera because you know that it is something he would never do on his own. Most of all, you cry for the current situation and whatever is going to happen between the two of you now that the days -days of make-believe love that stop you from making a true decision of where this relationship is truly heading- are running out.

"W-What are we going to do?" 

**everything is suffocating me, even you.**


	8. breaking down.

_this love story has always a different meaning for me._

"How can you handle it all?"

Haru pauses from taking another sip of her tea to look at the woman sitting across from her. The light breeze picks up around them, as a shiver passes through her body for a brief moment. It passes through the other woman as well, but it racks her body completely. She pulls her arms closer to her body to protect herself from the cold, but Haru knows what she is trying to keep herself away from. The black-haired woman had seen both Gokudera and her fight in harsh whispers between the shadows of what he had done. He would not answer and leave her with confusion and frustration. What honesty not the best when it came to a relationship? Yes and no, because this world came with dark secrets that gave people nightmares of the horrible actions they had committed and the blood on their hands. Tsuna had and she didn't doubt that Gokudera had them as well, probably worst then all of them due to the life he had lived before even entering the Vongola. She, Hana, and Kyoko all had immensely different ways about how to deal with their significant other's occupation. Hana completely cut herself off from that side of Ryohei and would not have it within their household or around their future child. She chooses to be willfully ignorant in order to keep both of their sanities in place, so Ryohei had a place to forget what he did. Kyoko choose to be in-between in a true essence of Mochida's position with the family. Yes, she enjoyed the perks of the high life, but the moment she heard something she didn't wish to know of, she ran to Hana's side or played the blissfully ignorant girlfriend back in Namimori. Haru had chosen to share all of Tsuna's pain the moment she decided to be with him. She had screamed and fought once with him in the beginning of their relationship that he shouldn't -couldn't- hide anything from her. She knew everything, but her friend was still blind and it wasn't a decision that either of them could make. Haru picks up her teacup again and pauses for a moment at her friend, wondering if her uneasy behavior and sleepless nights would ever come to an end, if this relationship was really healthy for either of them.

"It is really Gokudera's choice."

"Wh-at? Why?"

"It is his decision whether he will let you completely know him or not."

* * *

_February 12th._

The circles of numerous lights entrapping the smallest of the Vongola gardens are beautiful, giving the area a mystical glow that leaves momentary in awe. The waiter smiles for a brief moment before taking your hand and taking you to your assigned seat with the rest of the bridesmaids and their significant others. You stare at the crowd of people around the many tables for the reception rehearsal before your eyes sweep back to gaze at the man standing up and starting his speech. All of the women that are close to Haru are huddled and murmuring happily with their husbands or boyfriends. However, unlike them, you are seating alone because Gokudera demanded to sit next to Tsuna in the main table, as both his right hand and best man. He gives you a smile and wave from his position. You find it hard to return it, but somehow return the motion in a rather halfhearted way. The practice reception follows through perfectly and you do your part beautifully but without much ruthenium until all that is left to be said is the best man's speech, or at least parts of it. The bomber fumbles a bit at the start due to admiration for the brown-haired man that had practically saved his life. The rest of the room laughs lightly at his enthusiasm, but you just keep staring at him and wonder. Was the only thing that Hayato truly could dedicate himself to Tsunayoshi? You want to think that it isn't because of his declaration of loving from afar from seven years. Yet, would that dry up as well as soon as he caught you and called you his own? No, you have always been his, but never in the official capacity. You look at your hands, as Gokudera finishes his practice speech. In the end, who would be the first one to completely destroy the other because that is how love always worked in the end. You begin to move your head and look up and for a brief moment your eyes clash with his bright green ones. He smiles and finishes the last line.

"I can only hope to be as happy as them one day."

"God, I want to go home."

You whisper desperately, as Gokudera keeps smiling before sitting next to Tsuna once again.

_February 13th._

He had told you countless times before not to listen to the maids because all they do is gossip and lie. You understand his hatred towards the staff of the mansion due to his past, but you cannot help yourself but to listen because at the end of the day these people are more truthful to you than Gokudera has chosen to be. He hadn't told you anything about his mansion, but the morning after he had come back, there were already rumors swirling about what he had done. The maids hummed while the butlers clicked their tongues with a million different versions of what had happened. Some said that he had burned done a mansion with enemies of the Vongola trapped within it, while others stated that he had killed a large group of people that were completely innocent of doing anything. They would give sympathetic looks and meaningless touches of compassion after giving you the biting the news. It all made your stomach churn, yet there was one rumor that hurt the most brought in by the snake's tongue that served you breakfast when you didn't feel like eating with the others. She had told you the day after Gokudera returned, in the dark edges of your room as she tried to give you a touch of compassion, but you had quickly pulled away. Now reminiscing, you sit silently on your bed and run your hands through your hair in an agitated manner. Your mind is playing games with you, reminding you of the failure of your parents once more, as you fall haplessly into your bed and curl into a tiny ball. The maid's voice ringing empathetically for a brief moment in your mind, as you remember her question and all you can do is whimper a response in the large, empty space that is your temporary room within the Vongola mansion.

"What do you plan on doing, miss?"

"I don't know."

_February 14th._

The silver-haired bomber had chosen to avoid you the following two days after the practice reception because he had to make sure his plan was perfect. The excitement over the past couple of days had died down and the mansion was quite since many of the couples had left to celebrate the holiday either in one of the beautiful Italian cities or back in Namimori. However, Haru and Tsuna had to stay behind since they were working on the last finishing touches of their wedding, but Gokudera had learned early on that it was best to leave the couple alone, or suffer Haru's wrath. Yet, that was not his plan for today, he wanted to do something for you today and he planned meticulously that everything would be perfect. Thus, he knocks your door at around lunchtime with the same jittery he had felt on the first date. It makes he needs for a smoke rise. However, before he can take out a pack, you are already opening the door. Your speech is a bit slower than usual, but he doesn't really take notice due to the way your hair is pushed back in a simple but stylish hairdo along with the outfit that had been left for you earlier in the morning.

"You're taking me somewhere, right?"

"You already knew?"

"No, but Haru thought you might. So..."

You make a motion towards your body and he can figure out the rest, though he makes a note to thank the black-haired woman when he sees her again. He smiles and asks for your hand in a gentleman like fashion that makes you laugh softly. He holds your hand and begins running towards the main entrance where a driver is probably waiting for the two of. You question lightly where he is taking you and he turns around slightly to look at you with his bright green eyes, a boy grin on his face that you aren't used to seeing.

"I am going to take you to eat and all my favorite places in the area."

"Isn't that a bit too much?"

"Nothing is enough for you."

It is the last thing he says to you before picking you up and carrying you into the car. He laughs at the surprised noise that leaves your lips and the rest of the day goes by like a blur. By the evening time, you are staring at the grand meal sitting in front of you through the luminosity provided by the candlelight. There is a huge grin on the silver-haired man's face, as he tells you to take a seat. After taking you away from the mansion, Hayato had taken you for a small lunch in a small cafe by the seaside, not too far away from the city. For the rest of the day, it had been taking you to different historical and personal spots within the area that Gokudera had always wanted you to see. Now, you are here sitting in his apartment, eating dinner from his favorite place with a piano not too far away from you. Maybe, after dinner, he'll play a song or two from the bottom of his heart, tell you he has always wanted this. Maybe, the two of you will kiss again and then, conquest complete. He'll have you in whatever way he wants and make you place whatever role he needs you to, but that isn't what you want. You don't want to be Haru and Ryohei or Kyoko and Mochida; you don't even want to be Tsuna and Haru. You want to be your own person with Hayato, but you are fully aware he won't be willing to and that is what makes your stomach drop and fully lose your appetite. You place the utensils down and the silver-haired man notices quickly, as he looks at you and all you can do is stare at your hands. Your eyes become lifeless, as doubts and worries begin to spill for your mouth.

"Hayato, what happens after this?"

"Well, I was thinking that we could..."

"Do you plan on caging me up and only having me for show?'

"W-hat? No!"

"Then, why are you hiding things from me? The staff tells me more than you do."

"I told you not to listen to them."

"They're a lot more truthful than you!"

Your emotions get the better of you as you stand up from the table. The peaceful night is ruined and all Gokudera can do is look at you with a mix of confusion and hurt. Maybe, it's too much to ask of him or maybe you are holding onto a childish notion that people can be in a healthy relationship that doesn't hold any secrets. You heave a heavy breathe, but promise yourself that you are not going to cry because that will just make your plight seem too emotional, though it really is deep down because you're afraid -- afraid of everything that Gokudera is and has to offer you. He begins to stand up from his seat and you move farther away from the table. You begin to lose your strength, like some cornered animal, as you look at the door to the side of you.

"Please, can we go back?"

You plea softly, but he can understand the hidden meaning behind those words. You wish you could go back to before any of these stupid of emotions had ever taken hold Gokudera knew because he had wished a million times before himself. You are staring at anything that isn't him and all he can do is mutter a respond. You stand motionless for a moment before he orders you to follow. You flinch at the layer of emotions that he does not bother to hide anymore and follow him out of the apartment, however keeping a few steps behind him with your arms wrapped around your upper body as some form of useless protection. The driver looks at the Vongola guardian before opening the door to the car and letting the two of you back in. Hayato yells at the driver to return to the mansion and with that there is nothing but a dreadful silence in the car, but you can still hear your heartbeat ringing in your ears. You lean your head on the window and watch the city pass by, as the silver-haired man sits on the opposite end of the car motionless. The half-hour drive fills you with anxiety and when you do arrive, all Gokudera does is grab your hand and leads your towards a different entrance that enters straight into the guest wing of the mansion. He holds your hand for a moment before letting go and staring at the wall, as you begin to open the door to the guest room. He murmurs something that you can barely hear, but you can and it stops you from locking yourself away again for only a moment. However, you answer the best way you can before completely shutting out the rest of the world again.

"I love you."

"I know."

At the closing of the door, he can only wonder if the both of you actually mean it. 

**no matter what, the person i love is you.**


	9. strengthen.

_you're hurting someone again and you don't know it._

_February 15th._

"I am sorry, but even I can't ask that of him."

The young man who should be preparing the last details of his wedding sighs, as he watches the young woman from across the table collapse on to the plush chair behind her. She takes in heavy breathes and trembles lightly, even though the room is relatively warm for this late at night. Tsunayoshi understands that she is finally coming into an understanding of where she stands with Gokudera and what is to happen should she fully accept the silver-haired man's feelings. It is not exactly what she wants, the Vongola leader doesn't fully understand what she wants either, but maybe with this the two of them can move forward and learn to fully accept the other's faults. Gokudera had never been the type of person to completely open himself to another person -something that had been taught early on in his childhood- but, if he could open up and be truly happy like he was with her, Tsunayoshi would be happy with that. His thoughts are stopped midway when the woman stands up and places shaking hands on top of his elegantly carved, cherry wood desk. Her voice is steady and clear, but she has come to terms that trying to evolve these feelings any further would be useless.

"I would like to return to Namimori after your wedding."

"I understand."

In the end, he really didn't understand.

* * *

_February 16th._

_(preparations)_

"Miss, I need you steady, please."

You stifle a yawn, as the hair stylist presses your back to the proper position so that she can go back to elaborately styling your hair. She couldn't really blame you though, it was 8 in the morning and you had been awake since 5 going through various preparations to make sure you and the other bridesmaids were ready for the afternoon wedding in a chapel within the center of a neighboring city. However, maybe it was your own fault for staying up late talking to Tsunayoshi. You let out barely audible sigh, as your stomach growls and the only person you can blame is yourself for missing the early breakfast in order to catch a few more minutes of sleep. The older woman twists your hair upward and you catch the sight of a silver-haired man entering your room. Your whole body stiffens for a moment, as he comes to stand next to you for a moment. The woman pushes your shoulders downward again, as he places a small plate, holding a piece of toast with a poached egg on top and a small assortment of fruits on the side, on the dressing set in front of you. Your eyes dart to the side due to the sudden guilt you are feeling, as he says one thing before swiftly leaving the room.

"Eat."

He is gone, as the woman mumbles something about spoiled lovers. You only pause to take a bitter bite out of the lukewarm toast.

_(church)_

"It's almost time!"

You smile as Kyoko squeals gleefully while the marching music begins. You watch the young flower girls; children of the associates closest to Tsunayoshi, in front of you throw petals while walking down the aisles. You smile, remembering how Haru had tried to fit all the children into the wedding march. However, you had the unfortunate luck of being first to walk after them because even if you weren't the maid of honor -that had gone to Kyoko- the Storm guardian had been chosen as the best man and wouldn't walk with anyone but you, though you wondered if that thought still held some truth compared to back then. You sneak a glance to the people in back of you, happy couples holding hands and waiting to march forward on this wonderful day where love is the most important thing. You frown and turn back at the harsh call of your name. Green eyes are looking at you expectantly with a hint of annoyance in his face -probably due to several different reasons- as he waits for you to keep the march going.

"Hurry!"

He whispers harshly, as the two of you begin to walk on during the brief break the pianist takes within the song. You walk in sync with Gokudera, while holding a bouquet of China asters and white carnations in your hand. Halfway down the aisle, you feel something loosely entwined with your free hand as you sneak a glance to see a stoned-faced Hayato. You almost want to indulge him for a bit, but decide not to because it would just be harder to leave in the end. Nevertheless, maybe subconsciously, you give his hand a small squeeze before parting to opposite sides of the priest, which has him looking at you for the rest of wedding ceremony.

_(reception)_

Maybe, it is easy because you ran away as soon as the speeches ended or possibly because you were going to leave after all these events were done with, but none seemed to care that you were standing at the side as the festivities moved along. You watch Tsuna and Haru dance and laugh as an official married couple, along with several others that made up the center of the Vongola. You hadn't seen Gokudera since he had made his speech and you hoped it stayed that way, at least until the party died down. Surely, that would be the time you would tell him that you would be returning to Namimori. He didn't deserve you running away anymore; there needed to be a formal talk and goodbye before the two of you could move on. You rest a hand on your chest only for you to notice a blond man standing not too far away from where you are. He keeps moving until he is standing only a few feet from you; a dashing smile on his face as he begins to speak.

"It has been a beautiful wedding."

"I-It certainly has been."

"You are one of the bridesmaids, correct?"

"Yes, and you are?"

He smiles, introducing himself as Johannes and from his accent you can tell he is not Italian. He smiles and you shrink back more than usual because even though it is a bit easier to talk with Gokudera, it is extremely difficult to talk with men trying to get your attention. You glance at the ground, as he steps a bit closer. You shudder as you feel his arm snake around your waist. His expensive cologne of marjoram oils and what smells like geraniums fills your nostrils and settles uncomfortably in your lungs. He begins to speak surlier than before, as you struggle to get out of his grip.

"My wife was correct in saying you are a very pretty woman."

"W-Wife?"

"Yes, Luciana is over there."

He points to the dancing floor and your eyes follow to see an elegantly dressed Luciana with her red hair in loosely tied side bun. You raise your eyes a bit more to see her trying to pull a familiar face onto the polished dance floor. You stare at a clearly confused Gokudera as he is pushed along by the shorter woman. A heavy and steady emotion sets itself in your lungs that begins to slowly suffocate you. Maybe, it's fear or jealousy, but you don't want to think about it, as the blonde man begins to lead you into the brightly lit area as well. You frown and the older man swings you around so that one arm is still around your waist and the other is holding your hand. The whole situation makes you wonder what type of relationship Luciana and her husband truly have. He sways you from side to side to the rhythm of the typical marriage tune, but you don't follow his steps because this isn't what you want to be doing and it is annoying you. He tries to twirl you and hold you closer to his body and you snap. Seconds later, you step on his foot hard and he lets you go hastily due to the pain. You turn and bolt out of sight of all those happy couples, out of the area that holds all those well-wishers hopeful about Tsunayoshi and Haru's marriage and into the empty Vongola mansion.

"Dear, are you all right?"

Johannes feels a hand on his shoulder and he turns to see his wife's concerned face. The music stops for a moment, as party goers that had not been paying attention turn their full attention to the couple. Luciana sighs gently as she catches the critical eye that Haru is giving her, but everyone's attention is quickly stolen away by the sight of a certain silver-haired man rushing out of the party and following the young woman that had just left. Haru taps her fork twice on her wineglass and declares for the celebration to continue. Haru shakes her head and ignores the couple that moves to a dimmer setting. Johannes chuckles and turns to his wife who gives him a rather frustrated look.

"Maybe, you were wrong about this one, Luci."

"Mmm...maybe you're right on this account."

Back in the mansion, Hayato glares at the sight of you lying on the guest bed with a mess of clothing and various objects surrounding the cluttered, opened suitcase placed on the floor right next to your dangling feet.

**answer me, am i in your heart?**


	10. a new departure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end, please enjoy!  
>   
> [stay with me - tokyo girls' style](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQpWT5T5mqg)

_and i just want to know, if you're going to stay or if you're going to go._

__  
Age 24.

There is an unsettling quiet that you can't get over, but you have endured living with it over the past couple of years. Sometimes, it becomes filled with the laughter of friends, the casual chats of classmates, or the gentle praise of proud grandparents. There are times when it gets louder: when the customers get too conformable with you, when someone asks you out on a date only to be politely declined, or in the middle of the night when the nightmares of failed life choices finally catch up on you. 

"I can handle this," is something you constantly whisper to yourself to make the static within your ears ease a bit, but it loses its effect little by little as each lonely year passes by. Maybe, it is because each year change brought on something more about life you couldn't handle, with friends getting married or moving away when you're still in square one. Then, one day, something snaps inside of you, as your coworkers try to get you involved with a mixer they are planning with the shop next door. 

"Are you going to join too?" the female with pretty eyes comes up to ask her. She's an ambitious little thing that started an intern and has steadily made her way up to a full-time receptionist. Her hunger for life is so much more than yours, so you can't help but scoot a bit from her every time she talks to you. 

"No, I don't think I will find what I am looking for there," you pause to stop and keep the vile of emotions from bubbling to the surface. For some reason, talks of the future or making plans always made you sick, as if your body was punishing itself for your poor life choices. You give her a strain smile and scurry away quickly at the sound of your name.

"I wonder what she's looking for."

It's the only thing you heard being murmured by the woman to the rest of your younger coworkers, and you can't help but wonder the same as well.

* * *

_February 16th._

"What are you doing?" Gokudera angrily questions you, while staring at the skewered condition of the guest room that you were occupying, because it cannot really be called your room if you had been planning to leave from the start. You raise your upper body and take a seating position on the king-sized bed. Different articles of clothing were surrounding you, as you held your mother's necklace tightly in your hands. 

"I don't know," is the only response you can give him. Green eyes stare at you coldly, but also with a hint of desperation due to the reason that you might leaving again. Though he was a Mafioso, he would never physically hurt or keep you locked away, as you would like to believe. Gokudera was above all that and if you wanted to leave, he would let you, though sadly and reluctantly on his part. Your body shudders for a bit, as you let out a light deprecating laugh.

"I-m so-o confused, because I feel _so strongly_ for you," you pause because you cannot let yourself release those three little words that would surely destroy the small world you have created to surround you all these years. Maybe, he knows that too because at the declaration of you having feelings for him -and with no quick denial of them, like he had become accustom to back in high school- he slowly starts walking over to the bed. 

"But there are a million thoughts in my head, like bugs," you make a shaking motion with your head as emphasis, to try to get him to understand. Your hands shake, with the necklace swaying back and forth between your fingers, more than usual as you try to keep any sobbing held back from the explanation you are trying to give him, "telling me of all the horrible things you'll do if I let you in. But, I'm so tired, so tired of everything."

"Tired of what?" is all he can ask, as his long and calloused fingers grab a hold of your trembling hands. He takes a seat across from you, but you turn slightly to stare at the plush carpet.

"...Living, breathing, struggling from day to day. But, I am tired of not changing either," you sigh and move your eyes forward slightly to see that he is playing with the pendent. He stays uncharacteristically silent, as you continue to speak.

"I don't want to end up like my mother, dying alone in the hospital with all her regrets. I don't have the same relationship she and my father had towards the end. Or like Kyoko and Tsuna either. _**I hate the thought of it so much**_ ," you say harshly towards the end, as if there is a rotting fruit in your mouth that you nearly bite your tongue. You stop and stare at him at his mouth because you're too scared to meet his gaze directly.

:Are you your mother?" he asks, as his hands let go of yours.

"No," you reply automatically. His hands are reaching for your face.

"Are you Kyoko?" he asks a little harsher than intended (maybe, because of the past he has with her relating to Tsuna), as he places his hands on your cheeks. He pulls you forward, so that your foreheads are touching and your breaths are mingling together. The familiar smell of nicotine and ashes begins to fill your lungs.

"I learned a long time ago that you can't compare your life to those others," he says with a melancholic undertone because it was obvious that Hayato had seen too much in his life. Olive eyes lock with yours, as he continues to speak. 

"We can't know what will happen until it happens," his voice is softer by the end, but you can understand what he is trying to tell you. Your life cannot follow the same route as others because everyone had their own story and in the end it was your own choices that wrote. 

Maybe, it was time that you took an active role in the ones that dictated your own life. It would hurt, but there it had to be a bit better than the pain of being scared of life, of watching it passing you by. You give him a strained smile and though he isn't sure what will happen next, he is pleased to see that you have decided to move at least one step forward.

"Are you tired too, Hayato?" you question and he stares at you for a long moment, trying to decipher what exactly you are trying to say beneath those words and were you are taking this conversation. He feels you pull away, but your hands are resting above his own. They're subtly smaller than his, but they roughly pull him forward as you being to lean back into the rather messy bed.

"Sometimes," is the only way he can really answer because there times when he gets tired of his way of life and there times when he is tired of truly being alone. He falls forward and turns so that he is on the right side of the bed, resting above the dress that Haru has given you. Your hands go from holding his to circling around his upper body, as yours leans in closer. He hears your voice, small and shy, rumbling against his chest and though this had happened before, it feels more intimate than the last time.

"I don't know what will happen in the morning, but we should rest from how tired we're feeling right now," you murmur and close your eyes. Hayato makes a slight grunt in reaffirmation, as you feel his arms encircle your own body. Something lightly touches your forehead, but you're already into your own dreamland -of green and silver carrying you from a gilded cage softly- to take notice.

You are both uncomfortable in an incredibly messy area, but you can honestly say it was the best sleep you've had in years.

* * *

_February 17th; morning._

Hayato wakes up early the next morning, but like the incidents before he finds himself alone and a cold spot next to him. He grumbles a bit and pushes his body to the side of the bed. The clothing that had been thrown all over the room are gone and the suitcase is nowhere to be seen. He presses his hands to cover his eyes, as he starts to hunch forward - a tirade of curses on the tip of his tongue. How could he believe it would be any different?

" _Dammit_ ," he hisses in anger and something else he can't quite name, maybe hopelessness. The door clicks and soft steps stop in front of the bed. He turns and prepares to yell at the maid distributing him. However, his eyes widen in shock at the sight before him.

"Oh! You're awake," you smile and place the silver platter filled with breakfast food at the foot of the bed. He stares at you, as if staring at a ghost. You walk over to him, preparing to ask what is wrong, but he grabs you and circles his arms around your waist. He shudders in relief, as you begin to thread your fingers through his hair.

"I thought, maybe...it was time to stop running."

**darling, stay with me.**


End file.
